[A Whole Lot of Our Readers] Walk Into a Home Improvement Store

A couple of weeks ago we shared a post that we had been sitting on for some time, and talked about our experiences with subtle, “helpful” sexism and micro-aggression in home improvement stores.

We were a little nervous about how it would be received, but WOW did you guys respond.  We heard so many good comments and stories, as well as some ridiculous strategies that folks are forced to use to be taken seriously.  It’s clear that this experience is not unique to us.

In case you all didn’t follow the comments with the same rapt attention that we did, we thought we’d round up a few of the stories:

Refusing to Admit Defeat

Michelle shared a hilarious story about a time she struggled at a home improvement store.

I may not be the best ambassador for women in those type of stores though, because a few months ago I DEFINITELY became the story at least one person went home and laughed about and told their friends – I bought a large piece of lattice and thought FOR SURE it would fit inside my hatchback car (and it honestly was very close) and ended up needing to get some of their rope to tie to the roof. I was exhausted and getting over a cold and not thinking clearly, so I tossed on the roof and then rolled down my windows and spent a few minutes tossing the rope back and forth through the open windows tying it to the roof feeling like a badass for handling it at all without help. Nope. I tied my doors shut. Refusing to be admit defeat, I lifted the trunk as much as I could (about halfway) and climbed in that way. I had to climb over my back seat, then into my front seat (and I’m not a tiny person, so this was awkward as all hell to watch I’m sure) Had to call my husband to come outside and cut me out of the car when I got home, haha.

But we maintain that she IS in fact the best ambassador for women at these types of stores.  She solved the problem on her own and got that lattice home just fine.   You know that at Plaster & Disaster we certainly don’t pretend to know how to do all of the things that we try to do… it is about having the guts and trusting yourself to be able to figure it out as you go along.  If everything turned out perfectly, this blog would be boring.

Michelle, send us a guest post.

The “My Cousin Vinny”

Anne reminded us that a little (or a lot of) knowledge is the ultimate weapon:

My favorite was when I was looking at new doorknobs and oogling the Baldwin (I wish, right?) A man who didn’t work there came up and asked if I needed help, because it can be confusing with all the different options and you have to make sure you get the right ones. He actually pointed out the difference between interior and exterior knobs. That was when I gave him my sweetest smile launched into a long speech about how I was just lusting after the Baldwin, the Estate series is really the ultimate in hardware, but even their Prestige line was worlds away from the garden variety hardware of other brands. I told him I was currently debating the options because I love the handle from one set and the rose from the other. Then I explained what a rose was, and he ended up asking me for help! Score one for the ladies.

I’m imagining it playing out kind of like this:

Many readers noted that when they’re in a home improvement store with a male partner or friend, employees typically address their companion even if he’s not the one asking the question. As Susan describes,

I’m not an avid DIY-er, but I have done many projects out of necessity, and enjoy doing lots of research. What I notice (and point out to my husband) is that when we go together, even if I ask an employee questions, the employee will typically address their response to my husband.

We’ve both experienced that a lot, and it also helps explain why it’s so unsettling when the two of us are in there together — there’s no man to focus on!

“Than Most Ladies”

Several readers pointed out that the issue isn’t unique to home improvement stores, but is also a problem for any sort of contractor who comes to do work on the house, like this experience of Mary Anne in Kentucky:

Plumbers! Yes! When I had to have all the 1938 galvanized intake pipe replaced a few houses ago the two young men gave me the estimate and I said “…Well, I could always do it myself, but I guess I’d have to take a month off work so it would cost about the same, and besides I hate working in crawl spaces.” After they finished the job, during which I occasionally got questions while I was at work, and made suggestions, they said “You seem like you know more about plumbing than most ladies” (!) and I said “I expect most people you work for, men or women, didn’t have a father who put the first bathroom into the house he bought just before I was born. I grew up thinking every house should have a set of pipe-threading dies. Remember when I said I could do this myself, but it would take too long? I meant that.” Their mouths kind of fell open.

What’s wrong with “you seem to know more about plumbing than [most people who are not professional plumbers]”…?

There *must* be a man involved

And several others reminded us that this sort of experience can be found in pretty much every industry.

Stacey a shared a satisfying comeuppance story:

My favorite incident of all time happened at Micro Center in 1997-ish: I wanted a copy of Linux, so I asked the first person (male) I saw where the operating systems were. He took me to the Windows OSs, and I was all, “no, I’m looking for Linux.” Guy asked me if it was for my boss or boyfriend. Instead of punching him I flipped my hair and said, in my best bimbo voice, “I admin over 100 UNIX servers for work, so I figured how hard could Linux be at my home?!” Guy turned beet red, pointed to the aisle where Linux stuff was located, and quickly excused himself.

Bobbie shared an entertaining exchange with someone in her very male-dominated industry:

I recently had this exchange with a young man:

Him: I don’t mean to me sexist, but you’re girl…
Me: Gosh, that’s not sexist at all, just very observant.
Him: …..

And Dorothy got our blood boiling with some experience working at boat shows:

In a physical work context, like building docks at the boat show, I’ve had men take a tool right out of my hands and take over what I was almost finished doing. I’ve had the group leader ask me to go catch some boat’s lines, then had another guy from the group run over as the boat comes in, stand right in front of me and take the lines.

Thanks for reminding us that there’s sexism pretty much everywhere, Stacey and Dorothy!

Now that we’ve shared just a few of the many commiserating, hilarious, and infuriating stories we received, we also wanted to share some of the coping strategies some similarly fed-up readers have adopted.

Have a standard line. If you find yourself constantly needing to fend off the same kind of help, you might consider a one-liner that gets you out of the situation and on your way as quickly as possible. For example, Carla described how she responds to frequent offers of help lifting things:

My least favorite is when someone wants to help me because it is heavy. Now they are not going to be at my home when I get there to help me unload it because it is heavy so I really want to do it myself to be sure I can. I’ve actually said that a few times “well you won’t be at home with me to unload it will you?”

Vote with your wallet. Sometimes it seems like there are condescending men everywhere we turn in the home improvement world, but the reality is that there are people out there who are able to look past your female appearance and treat you like an equal human being (gasp). You can reinforce this (and have a more pleasant experience) by giving your business to these folks.

As Shadlyn describes,

Talking to the SO is the worst! Can’t do much about it in stores, but it’s now a rule that if a potential contractor addresses answers to my questions to the man by my side, he will not get the job. You can divide your answer between us, or you can answer the asker, but ignoring me when I’m the one taking notes and asking questions is not good manners OR a good business decision.

Speaking of which…

Shop local! Several readers noted that they steer clear of the big box stores and frequent local home improvement stores where the staff actually recognize them. Building a personal connection over time seems to be a good way to move away from the “Oh my goodness there’s a woman in here she must need my manly help!” impulse towards actually helpful advice.

Bring a (male) toddler. We’d never thought of this one before, but it seems to be working well for Gretchen:

Now I feel like maybe people don’t like me because no one ever offers to help me at Home Depot. Or maybe it’s because I usually have my three year old with me, and they just figure he has everything taken care of because he’s a boy? Or maybe I just go to either an exceptionally enlightened and progressive or an exceptionally unhelpful Home Depot.

Thank you again for all your amazing advice and stories that reminded us we’re not alone with this! Time to find a friend who will loan us her son for our next trip to Home Depot.