My Dad is a collector of jokes. He loves to hear them, and he particularly loves to tell them. Most of the time when Brad and I go to visit, he’ll say, “I’ve got a new one for you.” (Almost always closely followed by, “it’s not a very good one…”)
Unfortunately, WE don’t usually have a new one to tell HIM. Not a lot of people in our generation are that into telling jokes. I mean, we like funny stories and one liners and ironic quips, but the traditional, set up, a-man-walks-into-a-bar type jokes are not as common any longer.
This is a shame! Hearing and telling jokes was a big part of my upbringing. They’re great because they usually revolve around a kernel of truth or insight that is worth knowing. Like a fable (but more fun), they can teach you an important lesson in a more memorable way.
Over the years, my Dad and I developed a short-hand language, where we would use the punchline (or another memorable line) from a joke to communicate the full meaning behind it. And this is a tradition that Brad has really embraced upon entering the family. So when I was searching for a meaningful gift to give my Dad for his birthday, doing something with these punchlines to demonstrate what he taught me over the years was the perfect solution.
I designed graphics of the punchline of six of our favorite jokes using my favorite graphic design software – the starter edition of Serif DrawPlus. It is free, easy to use, and I just can’t believe how much I can do with a free product. I’ve been meaning to write up a tutorial of my favorite features, so I’ll do that in a future post. The font I used was Gill Sans Ultra Bold, which I stretched and manipulated to fit the space I had. I then had the graphics printed on large photo mugs from CafePress.
I love how they turned out! I didn’t go for full-blogger-credit and set up a styled tea party to show them off, but I did line them all up all neat for a photo. Hopefully that will get the point across.
Since you don’t get a styled tea party, what I will do is tell you all of the jokes that inspired the mugs. These are six of our favorites, and these lines are staples of our conversations. Divining the higher meaning is up to you! (Don’t worry, it won’t be that hard.)
OK, stop me if you’ve heard this one…
An old man, who had been deeply religious all of his life, was talking to his God.
“God,” he said, “I have been faithful to you, I have worshiped you. I have followed all of your laws. But the one thing I’ve asked of you – that I win the lottery – you have not given to me! When my children were young, and I lost my job, I prayed that I would win the lottery. Instead, I lost my house. When my parents were old and needed care, I couldn’t afford it, and I prayed I would win the lottery. But I did not, and they died destitute. I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. Why have you forsaken me?”
He goes on like this for a while. Finally, God responds, and in a booming voice from the heavens he says, “Meet me halfway. Buy a ticket!”
This next joke comes from a old record that was a MAJOR hit with my Dad’s family, called You Don’t Have To Be Jewish
A train car full of people were riding in amiable silence, when an old man got on.
He immediately started complaining loudly. “Oy! Am I thirsty! I am so thirsty.” The passengers shifted uncomfortably, but the man kept talking. “I haven’t had a drink in days! Oy, I am so thirsty.”
Finally a woman went over to him with a bottle of water. “Here, Sir, drink this!”
He gulped it down and then immediately started talking loudly again.
“Oy! Was I thirsty!”
This next joke is the one out of the bunch that I actually heard elsewhere and contributed to our family tradition. (The others are all ones that I learned from my Dad.) It is also used in Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, and other science speeches and publications to illustrate the same point.
A brilliant professor was giving a lecture on his theory of the universe to a rapt auditorium, but he kept getting interrupted by an old lady in the back going “humf!” every few minutes. Finally, he stopped his speech and called out to her.
“Excuse me, do you have a question?”
“No, but your theory is bogus,” she replied. “You say the earth revolves around the sun. Everyone knows that the earth is sitting on the back of a giant turtle!”
“But tell me,” he asked, “what is the turtle standing on?”
“Why, the turtle is standing on another turtle.”
“OK, but what is THAT turtle standing on? What is the final turtle standing on?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said, “it’s turtles all the way down!”
My Dad learned the next joke from his grandfather – my great-grandfather – Jacob, for whom my brother, Jake, is a namesake. He was a man who understood both wisdom and humor, which is probably inter-related.
A family was out to a nice dinner, and was just served the first course – the soup course – when the man called the waiter back over to the table.
“Excuse me, would you taste the soup?”
“Why,” asked the waiter, “is it too cold?”
“Taste the soup.”
“Why, is it too hot?”
“Taste the soup.”
“Why, is it too spicy?”
“Taste the soup.”
“Okay!,” cried the waiter, “but, wait, where’s the spoon?”
“Aha!”
A traveling salesman was driving down a country road one evening, when his car broke down (as cars are wont to do in jokes like these). He walked about a mile down the road before coming to a farmhouse, so he went up and knocked.
The kind farmer who answered the door said he would drive the salesman into town the next morning, and invited him in to spend the evening with his family. The salesman joined them in the living room where he saw the farmer’s wife knitting on the couch, a little boy and girl playing on the floor by the fire, and a three-legged pig sitting in an armchair reading a newspaper.
The salesman settled in, but eventually his curiosity got the best of him. “Excuse me,” he said, “but what is the deal with the three legged pig sitting in the armchair reading the newspaper?”
“Well,” said the farmer, “that is one special pig. Little Billy was out helping me on the farm one day when we lost control of a tractor. He would have been run over and killed, but the pig came out of no where and risked his own life to push him out of the way. He saved his life!”
“Wow,” said the salesman, “that’s amazing. But it really doesn’t explain why there is a three legged pig sitting in an armchair reading a newspaper?”
“That pig has done so much for us. Little Sally was having trouble with her math class and we could’t figure out how to help her. She was going to fail! But the pig sat with her every night and they did her homework together, and now she gets straight As!”
The salesman was getting frustrated. “Wow, that is one special pig. But I still don’t understand.”
“That pig is like a member of the family. My wife and I were having financial trouble, and we thought we were going to lose the farm. But that pig sat down with us and we went over all of financials of the farm, and we came up with a plan to cut costs. Now, we’re saving enough to send the kids to college!”
“That’s great,” said the salesman, “but WHY DOES THE PIG HAVE THREE LEGS?”
“Oh,” said the farmer, “well, a pig like that, you don’t eat all at once!”
The Synagogue is in uproar! Every week, during the saying of the Shima, the congregation devolves into chaos. Half of them think that they should stand at this time, and half feel that they should sit. The standers stand, and yell at those seated to get up. The sitters remain stubbornly in their seats, and yell at the standers to sit down.
It is entirely out of hand, so the Rabbi, who is new, decides they need to consult with the oldest member of the congregation, who has been confined to a nursing home for years, and ask him about the true tradition.
So the leader of the standers, the leader of the sitters, and the Rabbi, go to visit the nursing home.
“Sir,” says the Rabbi, “we are having a problem when it comes to the saying of the Shima. The Synagogue is in chaos, they do not know whether they should sit or stand! We need to know the tradition that we are supposed to follow.”
The leader of the standers jumps in. “We are supposed to stand during the saying of the Shima! My family has always done so.”
“Hmm,” says the old man, ” I am having trouble remembering, but yes, I think standing is the tradition.”
“But, wait,” says the leader of the sitters, “some of us believe that we are supposed to sit! We have always remained seated!”
“Ah, yes,” says the old man. ” I do remember now. Sitting is the tradition.”
“But they can’t both be the tradition!” cries the Rabbi. “What we have right now is chaos. Some sit, some stand, and they all yell!”
“Aha!” said the old man, “THAT’S the tradition!”
In addition to jokes, my Dad is a big fan of a relaxing morning with the newspaper, drinking his way through a pot of coffee. So this gift is totally useful!
Amos Tversky, one of the founders of behavioral economics, wrote this note to his son, Oren:
I feel that in the last few days we have been exchanging anecdotes and stories with the intention that they will be remembered, at least for a while. I think there is a long Jewish tradition that history and wisdom are being transmitted from one generation to another not through lectures and history books, but through anecdoes, funny stories, and appropriate jokes.
Hopefully this has assured my Dad that I have been listening all these years!
P.S. Do you know a joke with a deeper meaning? If so, share it, please! I’d love to have something to contribute when he next says, “I’ve got a new one for you.”
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