No, that is not the opening line of a joke (although you know we do love jokes). It is something that we do pretty much every week. It is often one of the best parts of our week, when the project we’re working on is all anticipation and we have a whole weekend ahead of us to focus on DIY and blogging!
We’ve even been known to take strange accessories with us, like random fuzzy plastic cacti that we intend to transform into chic side tables inspired by Johnathan Adler.
I bet many of you all do the same. (Frequently go to home improvement stores, I mean. Not build accent furniture out of cheap southwestern decorations.) I also bet that many of you are women, and this is when it gets a little less funny, because we’ve been noticing more and more lately just how annoying it is to be female in one of these stores.
True, maybe we’d have more credibility if we didn’t bring strange plastic objects, but even when behaving normally there is frequently the feeling that we sort of don’t belong. It is not overt or offensive, but it does cause us to go in with a bit of a chip on our shoulder and a feeling that we have something to prove. Whether it is being offered help no less than five times (by employees and non-employees alike) just walking down one single aisle of the lumber section or being told you should hire a professional to do something that a mere mortal can most definitely do (yes, thank you, we can install door knobs ourselves), well-meaning people persist in making us feel out of place.
Having too much help or dealing with condescending comments is certainly not the worst thing in the world… BUT it is not the best thing, either. It wasn’t until we started sharing these stories with each other, and experiencing them together, that it really became apparent to us just how pervasive this sort of thing is during every trip we take to [insert major home improvement store here]. So we wanted to share a few of our stories with all of you, in case you are experiencing the same!
“I Should Have Known!”
Remember when we both made tables at the end of the summer (Naomi’s sofa table and Sage’s coffee table)? Well that involved an epic trip to Home Depot, and without fail a set of entertaining-but-also-full-of-microaggressions interactions. Here’s Sage’s explanation of one such incident.
I was definitely anxious about taking on my coffee table project, and the most daunting part was the prospect of cutting the steel for the frame. I didn’t currently own anything that could cut steel, so while at Home Depot I decided to ask for some advice about what kind of saw to buy.
I found an employee in the power tool section, and proceeded to explain the project to him. He looked skeptical and said that cutting the metal would be hard, as though that was an answer. I explained that it wasn’t a question of whether I would be doing the project but how, so could he suggest what he thought would work best? I also explained that I was happy to invest in a tool, but that I hoped it would be useful for other projects in the future. I suggested that a jigsaw was on my short list of options, but he recommended an angle grinder while also repeatedly warning me that angle grinders were hard to work with and I could really hurt myself.
After he walked away, I found another employee for a second opinion, as I was not feeling encouraged by the “you probably can’t do this project but if you must you should use an angle grinder but that will probably hurt you badly” advice I had gotten the first time around. This second employee was a much better listener, and agreed that a jigsaw would do the trick and also be a versatile investment. He helped me pick out a good saw for my needs without any implication that I would most definitely fail or maim myself, which I appreciated.
Note: using the jigsaw to cut the steel was one of the easiest things I’ve done. The idea that it just can’t be done is ludicrous.
I also needed to get metal cutting blades, and so I suggested that we go back to my cart so I could show him the steel I was planning to cut and he could recommend the best blade for that. We got back to the cart, and right then Naomi was walking up to put some things for her project in the cart as well. The employee looked at her, and recognized her since apparently he’d also helped her earlier. His reaction was priceless:
“Oh, two women working on projects! I should have known you were here together!”
“Is She Married?”
One of the most blatant examples happened recently when Naomi went to buy Sage a combined Solstice/birthday gift to help out with her kitchen renovation:
I went to Home Depot after work, and that was probably my first mistake, because I was wearing heels and a professional skirt and blazer. My plan was to get Sage a power tool because she has totally out-shone me in past gift exchange experiences, for example by getting me a circular saw and the courage to use it.
I didn’t do a ton of research in advance because I was short on time, so I started out in the power tool aisle. Almost immediately (as usual when I step into that aisle) I was approached.
“Can I help you, miss?” He was an older man, a little round, and looked friendly.
“Yes, thank you! I could use some advice. I’m here to buy a present for my friend who is really into DIY.”
“Great! What sort of thing is he looking for?”
“Well. She already has several tools. She has a table saw, a circular saw, and a jigsaw. She has a dremel. And, of course, she has a drill and stuff like that. So I’m looking for a power tool to kind of round out that group and do something that she can’t do now, especially because she’s starting on a kitchen renovation. I was thinking, maybe a brad nailer?”
His smile widened. “Oh! A Lady!”
“Yes. So what do you think would be the right next step for that tool collection?”
“Hmm, let’s take a look around.” He proceeded to walk with me out of the power tool aisle and into the neighboring aisle where the hand tools were kept. “Does she have a nice screwdriver set?”
“Yes. She has screwdrivers.”
“Oooh, how about a socket wrench set? I bet she doesn’t have one of those!”
“I bet she has all sorts of tape measures?”
“Yes.”
“What about a nice set of clamps? Does she have clamps?”
“Yes, she has clamps.”
After several more suggestions, he acknowledged: “Wow! So she must be really into making stuff?”
“Yes. I mean, she’s not a contractor, but she does some DIY home improvement and builds furniture and things like that.”
“She sounds like my kind of woman! Is she married?”
“Yes. She is married. She is about to start on a kitchen renovation, actually, so I was thinking a brad nailer might be good for trim and the detail work.”
“Yes, it would be! That is a good tool.”
He took me back to the aisle with the power tools, back to the section with the brad nailers. He suggested several in a row that didn’t look that powerful (including one that was actually a manual staple gun that could also shoot small nails). Finally, I asked him what he used, and we settled on a set with a compressor, and three brad nailers for different sized nails, the same kit that he had in his own shop. I said, “I’ll take it.”
He went to get me a cart, and I started to lift it off the stack but he urged me to wait. “I’ll get that for you! I don’t want you to hurt yourself!”
I let him lift it onto the cart for me.
“Now,” he said, “if you go to this check out counter right here, and just out those big double doors, you can pull your car right up there and I’ll load it in for you!”
“Why? Can I not take the cart into the parking lot?”
“Oh. No, you can. But it’s heavy, and I can lift it for you.”
“Oh, I’m sure I can manage it.”
It wasn’t that heavy.
It actually wasn’t until I was driving home that I started to get frustrated about the conversation. He was being nice and helpful the whole time, and was clearly doing his best to help me find what I was looking for. But there was just something not connecting. I found myself wondering how that conversation would have gone if I had just used the pronoun “he” in my initial question.
“I Don’t Work Here, But…”
Another bizarre trend in home improvement stores is the tendency of random men who don’t work there to approach us to offer advice and help. Usually it is perfectly kind and likely well-intended, but I doubt anything about our demeanor is calling out for their assistance. They walk up like they’re the world’s gift to you, saying, “care for some advice from a non-employee?” This doesn’t happen in any other type of store.
So what do they think is going to happen? Something like this, an actual scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in which Xander (textbook “nice guy”) lives the dream of this sort of interaction (until the woman turns out to be a demon who tries to kill him):
Xander’s standing around in a crowd of customers watching a green-aproned store employee cut a length of pipe with a huge power tool. He looks around and notices a pretty woman looking at the spools of rope on a display. Xander walks over to her, taking off his safety glasses.
XANDER: Hi, can I help? You seem kind of confused.
WOMAN: (holding a rope, looks at his clothes) You aren’t wearing a green apron.
XANDER: Confused, but sort of randomly observant.
WOMAN: Sorry, I just mean… you don’t work here, right?
XANDER: No. Right. Just helpful. I’m Xander.
WOMAN: Lissa. (they shake hands) And I guess I could use some advice. I can’t even figure out if I’ve got the right kind of rope.
XANDER: That depends on what you need it for. Something like functional around the house, or, you know, recreational. (Lissa raises her eyebrows and grins) By which I mean, for example, boating or mountain climbing—not for tying someone up for sexy, funky fun. (Lissa giggles) In conclusion, rope can be useful in various ways.
WOMAN/LISSA: I have a kayak.
XANDER: Again with the random. I like it.
LISSA: Sorry. I need to store my kayak. So I was thinking maybe I could sorta suspend it from the ceiling in the garage with ropes and a pulley or a winch thing.
XANDER: Not a bad plan. You’ll need stronger rope than that. Wanna have coffee with me later?
LISSA: What?
XANDER: Oh, you’re the only one that gets to be random? (Lissa smiles)
It is nice to offer help to people who look confused in stores if you’re an expert. But if you wouldn’t offer that help to a guy, why would you offer it to a girl? Also, try not to make bondage jokes.
“All By Yourself?”
And then there’s the time when Sage just couldn’t take it anymore….
I was at Home Depot buying the hardware and lumber for the shelving unit to build in Sam’s study, and had one of those big flat-bottomed carts full of wood and other supplies.
I was wheeling my cart out of the shelving hardware aisle, when a fellow customer stopped me and asked, “Wow, are you building all that all by yourself?”
I turned to him, smiled sweetly, and exclaimed: “Yes! It’s amazing, women can do things too!”
He was flustered of course, and explained that wasn’t at all what he meant. I just kept smiling and walked away. And then of course I felt terrible, because I know that isn’t explicitly what he meant. But what do you think the chances are that if I looked more like my husband or my dad that a random stranger would have approached me and asked that? I think slim.
If it seems a little odd to be concerned about well-meaning people offering help and (seemingly) supportive comments, we get it. In all of these situations we get the products or the answers that we’re looking for. But we do it under constant reminder that we’re a bit of a novelty. The theme here is: if you wouldn’t say it to a man in a home improvement store, don’t say it to a woman in a home improvement store.
So, what do you think? Does this happen to you, and do you have any stories like these? What do you do?
Sharing at Create It Thursday, Home Matters, Two Uses Tuesday, The Creative Gallery, and Idea Box.
It seems to me (age 63) that this has been getting better over the years. But for more than fifteen years I’ve been shopping at the same small local hardware store/lumberyard, and they know me well by this time. Not just me, but my house(s). “Oh, still having trouble with that door?” “Was that hose clamp the right size for what you wanted?”
Yes, I need to develop a rapport with a local place! And a local lumberyard too, for some of the heavier duty projects.
Oh my, this literally happened to me! 😉
I don`t know but I always thought that I look a bit confused to the staff or other men, but as this happen to you I am not sure anymore.
All my female friends are not into DIY or doing stuff with their hands especially lift a power tool, so I don`t have people around to share my hardware store stories, with! Or simply ask them if they had the same experiences. XD
When I tell my family what happend again in the store they just laugh…
A really great post! Love it! 😉
Glad you enjoyed it! And we’re definitely not saying that help is never warranted — in fact, we often want some assistance or advice when we’re shopping (as do men!). It’s just a pain when that help comes with an attitude or preconceptions about our abilities just based on gender.
You are right on the money. And yes, it still happens to me, although not as often, but that could be because I’m in my mid-60s.
My “favorite” thing, though, and only slightly off-topic, is when men (e.g., plumbers) come to my house to do something for me and I tell them what I want and they tell me what they think I should do and I say, “No, I want to do it this way because X.” And instead of their eyes lighting up and them saying, “Oh, I see what you mean,” or, “That’s a good idea,” or, god forbid, “You’re right,” they just clamp their mouths tight, evil up their eyes, and DO what I asked, and then probably go home and call me names to their long-suffering wives.
Plumbers! Yes! When I had to have all the 1938 galvanized intake pipe replaced a few houses ago the two young men gave me the estimate and I said “…Well, I could always do it myself, but I guess I’d have to take a month off work so it would cost about the same, and besides I hate working in crawl spaces.” After they finished the job, during which I occasionally got questions while I was at work, and made suggestions, they said “You seem like you know more about plumbing than most ladies” (!) and I said “I expect most people you work for, men or women, didn’t have a father who put the first bathroom into the house he bought just before I was born. I grew up thinking every house should have a set of pipe-threading dies. Remember when I said I could do this myself, but it would take too long? I meant that.” Their mouths kind of fell open.
Totally! That is exactly the phrase – “than most ladies.” The bottom line is that if you can do a major pipe replacement on your own expertise, you’re pretty awesome, regardless of gender!
Thanks, Bonnie! I bet its gotten a lot better over the years, too, but it is still something that we notice. I have that experience with plumbers/contractors, too! Or, they’ll just turn and address their comments to Brad. That’s actually the main reason why we chose the contractor that we did for our renovation, because even though I wasn’t an expert, he still took me seriously, respected what I knew, and explained what I didn’t.
Ahhh I actually have 4 boys just edging into teenage lovelies. So, I encourage chivalry and true gentelman-like behavior. But! It should ALWAYS be to encourage and esteem women! Not to do some internal head shaking and the mocking joke for the guys that evening. We ALL gotta empower each other! But, I will still be teaching my boys to look out for women, because anything that makes them walk on humility(but NOT male egotism) toward females is good ;-))You’ll understand if you have big boys someday that they feel like a real man by making a woman smile and give them compliments, so, as long as it’s true chivalry, I’m good with it! I totally love getting a list from my contractor hubby from Depot etc and the looks it gets…especially when I only have my little girls with me and we’re all confident and strong….you guys are so much fun!
Wow, you must have your hands full! I definitely think a lot about how I’ll teach my children around these things if I do have kids down the road — figuring out how to teach humility and respect is no easy feat! I think for me, it comes down to looking out for one another regardless of gender and giving well-deserved praise to everyone for their ideas and deeds whether they’re male or female.
Major kudos for braving the big boxes with kids in tow, I have a hard enough time keeping my sanity when I’m there all alone!
Reading this made me feel very lucky… we spend enough time in a certain orange hued store that my kid will say “More Saving. More Doing” if I mention we need to run over there, but I also don’t tackle projects at near the caliber you guys do, so that may minimize my employee interactions a bit. Mostly I’m popping in for smaller things and wandering dreamily through the plants wishing I had the time/energy/money to turn our yard into an garden oasis (or at least the money to hire someone ELSE to do that)
I may not be the best ambassador for women in those type of stores though, because a few months ago I DEFINITELY became the story at least one person went home and laughed about and told their friends – I bought a large piece of lattice and thought FOR SURE it would fit inside my hatchback car (and it honestly was very close) and ended up needing to get some of their rope to tie to the roof. I was exhausted and getting over a cold and not thinking clearly, so I tossed on the roof and then rolled down my windows and spent a few minutes tossing the rope back and forth through the open windows tying it to the roof feeling like a badass for handling it at all without help. Nope. I tied my doors shut. Refusing to be admit defeat, I lifted the trunk as much as I could (about halfway) and climbed in that way. I had to climb over my back seat, then into my front seat (and I’m not a tiny person, so this was awkward as all hell to watch I’m sure) Had to call my husband to come outside and cut me out of the car when I got home, haha.
Sounds like you dealt with that on your own just fine! I mean, you know that half of our blog name is “disaster” so it is CERTAINLY not about doing it well or right, but mostly about having the guts to go try it and then the follow through to figure it out on your own. (And then the honesty to tell the internet about it… so thanks for your comment :)) You can guest post any day.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I snapped the underwire in my bra in the process too! haha
There may or may not have been wine opened up when I got home 😉
OMG that is quite a trip! Wine totally called for. But still, I maintain that you did in fact get the lattice home just fine on your own 🙂
As long as you use the cork and/or bottle for another project, you’re good 🙂
Oh, the only thing better than being a woman in a hardware store is being a *pregnant* woman in a hardware store! I swear, they were falling over themselves to get me what I needed and get me the F out of the store.
My favorite incident of all time happened at Micro Center in 1997-ish: I wanted a copy of Linux, so I asked the first person (male) I saw where the operating systems were. He took me to the Windows OSs, and I was all, “no, I’m looking for Linux.” Guy asked me if it was for my boss or boyfriend. Instead of punching him I flipped my hair and said, in my best bimbo voice, “I admin over 100 UNIX servers for work, so I figured how hard could Linux be at my home?!” Guy turned beet red, pointed to the aisle where Linux stuff was located, and quickly excused himself.
At age 43 I have finally mastered the “Really?” face to the point that it rarely gets farther than “Hi, can I help you find something?”
Nice, Stacey! Sounds like you handled that perfectly 🙂 Although I think punching could have been acceptable, too. Fortunately, I haven’t experienced being pregnant in a home improvement store yet… but I have no doubt that it will be insufferable.
I don’t mind the “help” in the hardware stores as much as I mind when I have a service person in my home who first of all wants to know if there’s a man of the house and, when he finds out the isn’t, suddenly feels the need to tell me all the things that could potentially go wrong – with things he’s not there to fix to begin with! Like you’re going to win my future business by trying to frighten me?! Happily, they don’t all do that. But it’s happened enough times that I’ve noticed the trend.
Yes, that sounds familiar! I also once had a service person given me directions for doing something after he left and mention that “your husband probably has the tool you need” (I can’t for the life of me remember what tool it was…typical tiny female brain with terrible memory!). I burst out laughing at the idea that my husband was the owner of the tools in our possession.
Oh yes this happens a lot and I have to say that I’ve gotten to the point that I’m not too nice about it. My least favorite is when someone wants to help me because it is heavy. Now they are not going to be at my home when I get there to help me unload it because it is heavy so I really want to do it myself to be sure I can. I’ve actually said that a few times “well you won’t be at home with me to unload it will you?”
Glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t always muster a smile and act thankful for the unsolicited help/”compliment”!
I told my two sons about your trip, they get mad at me when I go to HD by myself and pick up stuff. Are you ready for this… They were upset that you were upset.. Men are meant to help a woman even when she can do it herself. They continued to tell me that I taught them that. The man is the head of the household and so the man at Home Depot is head of that household.. Funny . I never thought of it that way. Then they continued by saying .”Mom, you are the glue to this family, you keep us straight and going strong, you keep dad going everyday and happy. Let the man at Home Depot have his day and help you.” I wasn’t going to write to you but thought it was a different view. I guess I agree with both.
Thanks for your comment, Gail – it’s great to hear a different view. I do appreciate you taking the time to share it, and that the post resonated enough for you to talk about it with your sons!
I have to say that I disagree that the man is the head of the household. But regardless of that, a business isn’t a household, and customers are customers regardless of gender! I mean, there are certainly female employees and managers at Home Depot, too. I don’t think that by going into a home improvement store I owe any man to have his day – I am just looking for a respectful and occasionally informative retail interaction. I don’t see gender playing into that one way or another.
I agree with you Naomi, and think that actually Gail’s story is a good reason to rethink the “man is the head of the household” philosophy entirely. Nothing is gained (including being “Biblical” or whatnot) and a lot is lost – we see people as gender first, instead of just people first, as we decide how to interact with them.
Still, Gail, since you do have that philosophy, I’m glad you see these women’s point. I would tell you sons “Let the woman have her day at Home Depot and be encouraged to be strong and powerful! She needs to feel independent a lot more than the guy needs to feel that women depend on him.”
A good example of this is people that are visibly physically handicapped. They are constantly being offered much more help than they need, and I have many friends who say that they feel a combination of guilt, frustration, and anger – and the anger is because people are seeing the wheelchair etc. first and THEN the person. And that anger is justified, because imagine what that does to a person with a handicap day in and day out.
Offering help is good, of course! I have back problems so I always ask for lifting help, for example. But if the purpose of help is helping someone…then we’re just asking that you consider their feelings as part of helping them. That’s all.
In the end “treat people as people first” is a good rule of thumb for life.
This used to happen to me a lot too, before I was married. I got used to saying “I’m good, thanks” to even the slightest inquiry if I needed help. I can’t remember any particular instance, its more of a general tone that men in the store have towards me. Usually it was them doubting that I know what I needed. For example, I would say “I need a (blank), can you point me to where it would be?” they ask why I need it. If I tell them why, they will then ask a lot of follow up questions and try to determine if a (blank) is what I needed, or did I need something else. And its difficult to complain without sounding mean, because the intention of these people is to help, but the bottom line is that they were assuming I didn’t know what I needed, when in fact I came in with a clear-usually well researched-idea of what I wanted to buy. And I didn’t ask for input, I asked for directions. And because it happened so often, the message its sent me is that I was not capable of determining the material I needed to complete a job.
Now my husband usually ends up going to the store with me, and even though we’re buying supplies for my projects, that I did the material estimation on, store employees always ask him if he needs help, and don’t usually make eye contact with me. He then usually turns to me and says “Do we need help?” and the answer is usually “We’re good, thanks”.
That is EXACTLY it Jess! Love the line: “I didn’t ask for input, I asked for directions.” It’s tough because they are trying to be helpful and usually ARE being helpful eventually, but you have to wade through some other stuff to get there. Like with the buying of the brad nailer – we didn’t need to make a whole trip through another aisle for him to give me advice on the tool I was asking about!
All. The. Time.
My favorite was when I was looking at new doorknobs and oogling the Baldwin (I wish, right?) A man who didn’t work there came up and asked if I needed help, because it can be confusing with all the different options and you have to make sure you get the right ones. He actually pointed out the difference between interior and exterior knobs. That was when I gave him my sweetest smile launched into a long speech about how I was just lusting after the Baldwin, the Estate series is really the ultimate in hardware, but even their Prestige line was worlds away from the garden variety hardware of other brands. I told him I was currently debating the options because I love the handle from one set and the rose from the other. Then I explained what a rose was, and he ended up asking me for help! Score one for the ladies. 😉
Love it Anne! Always confront condescending advice with withering expertise 🙂
But in his defense, interior and exterior knobs are super had to tell apart – especially when they’re labeled interior and exterior with those strange symbols that men call “writing.” (Sorry, was my sarcasm showing?)
In college I studied scene design, which involved many hours every week for three years in the construction shops. You could say that I knew my way around tools. Even though a number of the events previous posters mentioned still happen to me, my favourite memory is as follows. Once while wrangling a circular saw into my already-loaded pickup truck filled with lumber and hardware, a store employee asked me if I knew how to use it. I let him load it into the truck, figuring that if he wasn’t using his brain he might as well use his brawn.
Good response! It’s like something doesn’t connect with the context.. we can be pushing a cart of lumber and folks are still worried that we may not know how to use a drill.
I walk with purpose. That is, I walk quickly because there’s no need to waste time walking slowly to get to aisle 16 at Lowes –it’s already far enough from the door. So, when I am clearly walking with purpose, I do not need to be asked, “Can I help you find something?” I clearly already know where I’m going. If I need to know where something is, I’ll walk straight up to you and ask. It’s not a scenic byway –it’s Lowes!
That’s the sort of “chip on the shoulder” that we’re talking about – you feel like you can’t go in without making it really clear that you know what you’re doing!
Sage’s husband here: I can confirm. At our most recent HD trip, Sage asked an employee in the electrical aisle about the best solution for covering up some wiring that we would no longer be using. (As blog readers know, Sage is the household expert on such things, so I just stood nearby for moral support). The guy was totally unable to provide any helpful advice, but did attempt to formulate (and then abandon) several questions to the effect of “well what man will be doing this work for you? He should be able to solve the problem.” Needless to say, the problem remains unsolved.
Oh, it’s so adorable that you think you can fit in here in DIY blogland! Did your wife help you post this comment?
Don’t make assumptions, Sage! I think it is so great to see a man shaking things up and posting a comment – men can do it, too, if they just have patience with themselves and try a little harder!
Micro-aggressions is the best way to describe and understand these types of interactions. You leave feeling vaguely offended, but confused because someone was ostensibly being helpful, and that’s because the aggression is indirect, and an insult is enshrouded in a sense of chivalry or helpfulness. When we are the aggrossor, we also are usually completely clueless that interactions like this are even happening (that that it justifies it!).
I’m not an avid DIY-er, but I have done many projects out of necessity, and enjoy doing lots of research. What I notice (and point out to my husband) is that when we go together, even if I ask an employee questions, the employee will typically address their response to my husband. It’s almost comical since it’s so frequent and predictable, ha!
Totally, Susan! I bet most of the folks we’re talking about feel that they handled things very well. Our best route with it is to find it comical, but it’s not really that funny…
Talking to the SO is the worst! Can’t do much about it in stores, but it’s now a rule that if a potential contractor addresses answers to my questions to the man by my side, he will not get the job. You can divide your answer between us, or you can answer the asker, but ignoring me when I’m the one taking notes and asking questions is not good manners OR a good business decision.
Seriously! It seems like such common sense, and yet…
I guess I’ve always just assumed positive intent. It seems like these big box stores really want to create a positive customer experience by making themselves available for questions and/or asking if you need help. My husband gets the same ‘are you finding what you’re looking for?’ type inquiries as I do so I never really felt that it was sexist. That being said, I have never had a non-employee offer his or her opinion, so maybe I just look meaner and people don’t want to approach me?
I will also add that the last time I was in home depot picking up pipe and wood to make some shelves for our bathroom, I had a jokingly self-deprecating attitude about my project and said ‘well, I saw it on the internet so it’s totally going to work!’ to the employee helping me cut and thread the pipes. Side note, it did work and my shelves look awesome!
Totally, we’re definitely not suggesting that all offers to help are inherently sexist. We definitely need help pretty often! It’s just when its delivered in a way that we know isn’t what our male counterparts would receive that it gets frustrating. I like to assume positive intent too, but eventually it’s about impact and if you’re consistently Making women feel belittled by your actions then intent only goes so far in my mind.
Nice work on the shelves, sounds like you handled that project like a pro!
65 and starting to use tools I need to add to my supplies. I need a good drill, it has to be light and easy to use. any suggestions
It depends on how powerful you want it to be! An electric screwdriver or small drill could work because they’re nice and lightweight, but we both love our black and decker drills which have much more power but are heavier. Thoughts?
Ha and also, ugh.
Yes. I work in a very male dominated area (I’m the only female out of about 15 people and the oldest by 20+ years). When I’m not being completely ignored, I have had many many comments about it from customers, most are thoughtless/throwaway/ignorable, on occasion they’re rude in the extreme, I’ve had my ass slapped once, and some are just funny – I recently had this exchange with a young man:
Him: I don’t mean to me sexist, but you’re girl…
Me: Gosh, that’s not sexist at all, just very observant.
Him: …..
I have taught all the men at work about mansplaining (and not to do it) and they no longer call females ‘girls’ or ‘ladies’ (at least not within ear shot of me) – we are all a work in progress 🙂
Great post!
Good for you for taking this on every day and so directly! It must be tiring, but the rest of us will benefit from all the education you’ve provided these guys!
I spend so much time at our local hardware store that the cashier always asks me what project I’m working on this week. The one store that I put my game face on for is Harbor Freight. I am ALWAYS the only female in the store, and the male customers always stare at me like I’m invading their territory or something.
I think local is the way to go! When you can create a personal connection it really helps get past stereotypes/assumptions.
At my age, if anyone approaches me with a smile, under any circumstances, I try to meet them there and make an event out of it. I smile back. But at your age, no, I would have put them in their place, no doubt about it!
Nice. I always feel like smiling is an invitation for engagement, which I’m not always seeking. Which is such a shame, because being able to give a friendly smile without it meaning anything would be nice!
Like almost all the other respondents, I have definitely had this type of experience. In a physical work context, like building docks at the boat show, I’ve had men take a tool right out of my hands and take over what I was almost finished doing. I’ve had the group leader ask me to go catch some boat’s lines, then had another guy from the group run over as the boat comes in, stand right in front of me and take the lines. I run into what I call the unwanted help problem on the boat, too. I think all concerned are well-intended, just coming from a different place (though sometimes I am baffled as to what that place is …). Re the store context, I think men are taught that they should help women, and they feel good when then do. I think it can be so ingrained and deep down that they aren’t even aware of it, and even when they are made aware of it, they can’t turn it off. So you have the female DIYer who feels good about doing things herself, and the male clerk who feels good about helping a woman … 180 degrees out of synch. Sometimes it’s going to go one way, sometimes the other … then each can try to feel good about letting the other one feel good this time. Sigh.
Ugh, such frustrating situations Mom! I’m inclined to think that if someone feeling good relies on them being able to treat someone else a way that person doesn’t want to be treated, unfortunately that’s not super reasonable. But that’s just my two cents! 🙂 xoxoxo
It happens to me constantly. Unwanted help/advice is a guarantee, but not the worst.
I’ve had “know-it-all” helpers tell me the product I’m looking for doesn’t exist. Not that they don’t carry it, but that I am just looking for a thing that doesn’t exist. (Fish tape, for running wires in walls. Not even that weird a pull. Maybe he thought I needed to reseal a trout?)
I’ve had the question about whether I’ve got someone at home “to give me a hand.” (I can never decide of this is condescending or an attempt at a pickup. Why not both, I guess?)
Better, but still frustrating are the women who work there. Most of them are WAY overeager to help, often to the point of pushy…but then I think about it, and wonder how often they have to watch someone walk by them to ask their co-worker a question. I’d probably get more determined to show my stuff, too. I also suspect there’s some behind the scenes coaching from management – “Some women aren’t comfortable being approached by men, so if she’s not being helped make *sure* she feels at ease.”
It probably doesn’t help that I *am* a novice to a lot of this stuff. I didn’t grow up in a DIY household, so I’m making it up as I go along. I don’t put off that vibe, and I have a rule to NEVER allow myself to look puzzled in these situations, but sometimes I *do* want help. They just make it hard to ask for it.
I love these stores, but they are a wonderful reminder of the fact that when it comes to equality, we’re just not…quite…there…yet.
Yes to all these things! We’re constantly being told things don’t exist. My go-to is to pull it up on my phone and show them not only does it exist, but it’s listed on their own website.
Now I feel like maybe people don’t like me because no one ever offers to help me at Home Depot. Or maybe it’s because I usually have my three year old with me, and they just figure he has everything taken care of because he’s a boy? Or maybe I just go to either an exceptionally enlightened and progressive or an exceptionally unhelpful Home Depot.
I’m voting for the “you’re with a male companion (though he’s 3) so you’re probably being taken care of.” 🙂
Alternate possibilities:
1. (Generous) She’s got a toddler with her, so she’s probably not doing anything too dangerous.
2. (Probable, given retail) Crap, that’s a small kid. If I go over there, it’ll probably cry. Or maybe she’ll talk to me about it. I don’t want to deal with a kid. Please don’t ask me for help when you’ve got a kid there. I never know where to look when kids throw tantrums. Just walk the other way. Please, god, walk the other way…
Ah yes, never underestimate the power of children to keep strangers at bay! 🙂
All of these stories have happened to me, including the bad decision to buy wood for bookshelves in heels and a dress after work. I will easily get asked 5 times by the same guys if I need help while they walk past guys. It’s not all of the workers, but it defiantly is common in home improvement stores. I’mean just glad it’s not just me, and I have a diy dad I can get the answers I need before going to the store.
Totally! I appreciate the concern, but asking just once or twice will usually do it 🙂
The funny thing is when I walk into a home improvement store and I need help deciding which one of two things to buy I can’t find a clerk to help me. But they come out of the woodwork when I walk in and know exactly what I want. One of the most frustrating was when a female employee offered to help me in the hardware aisle and was surprised and said, “oh you know about this stuff!” I hope she was new because I knew more about “this stuff” than she did.
Haha the conversation with the employee is great! Is she married?? 🙂 Hope to see you back at #HomeMattersParty again!